How Did Feeling Like The 'token' Black Woman Affect Your Experience? Did It Make You Question Your Achievements?

Dr. Olufunmilayo Adebayo

Major: PhD in Biomedical Engineering from Cornell University

IG: @funmeee

I remember the feeling I had the day I was awarded the NSF Graduate Research Fellowship. I was excited and yet felt an incredible wave of guilt as I discovered that some of my colleagues had not received it. Did I really deserve it? Did I get it because of something else? This was an all too familiar feeling. After all, going to a high school as the only black person in my class, or going to a predominantly white engineering school for undergrad, I had always been faced with the constant “joke”: “of course, you’ll get in (it), you’re black!” It didn’t really matter what “in” or “it” was – whether it was getting into a top tiered school or getting an award, somehow at every turn, I would be faced with a different version of the same tired joke. Even as we had all applied for the NSF fellowship, I heard the same thing. Essentially, these jokes implied that any accolades I received was due to my being black rather than through my qualifications as a biomedical engineer or researcher. Little did I know that I had quietly internalized this, and it manifested as full-blown imposter syndrome in graduate school. As I heard of what otherwise would be incredible news for any graduate student – 3 years of funding!! – I was left wondering if I truly deserved it. Had I just received it because I was black? I became silent. I did not talk about it, and only if asked about it, would I sheepishly answer “yes, I got it” before quickly changing the subject. Unfortunately, the NSF Graduate Research Fellowship would not be the only time feelings of guilt, imposter syndrome and smallness would creep in during my graduate school experience. I was blessed to achieve many accomplishments during graduate school and have sponsors and mentors nominate me for several awards. Yet, each time was the same if not worse than the last. Am I really a great researcher? Am I really a good biomedical engineer? Or are they just doing this, because I’m black? It made me question Every. Single. Achievement. Despite these feelings, I am grateful for the community that surrounded me. I developed a support system consisting of my family, other black women, graduate students of color and several mentors. They often reminded me, that indeed, I deserved the accomplishments that I achieved. They were there every step of the way to celebrate the big and small milestones. They reminded me to always take stock of my accomplishments – to breathe it in and to relish in it. I honestly can’t overstate the value of community during my PhD. Getting through graduate school really does take a village.